Wild Hare Daze

Hello? Is this thing on? Anybody out there? In case anyone was cares, I'm still here.

2009 has thrown me some unexpected curve balls that have sapped a lot of my creative drive and energy. It's been all I can do to try keep things together and muddle through as best as I can.

Almost immediately after my last post in January, I lost the job that I loved, and was out of work for several months. Despite an excellent resume and references, there weren't a lot of openings and the things that were available were swamped with applicants.  Losing my job 3 months after buying a house in a rocky economy was terrifying. Fortunately, I ended up with a really good offer. It's been a bit of culture shock, but I love my new boss and the people I work with. I'm settling in and starting to find my groove now. I'm so grateful that during these difficult times that I was able to find good work and continue to provide for my family.

There have been other trials for me and my family, including the loss of my other grandfather and recurring health issues, but I've been able to make it through in large part because of my faith, my very kind and supportive husband, and a whole host of great friends and family members who have been there to laugh and cry with me.

Throughout as a result of the many challenges of the year, I am convinced more than ever that your choice of attitude makes a huge difference with how well you weather the hand you've been dealt. I naturally went through all the expected processes of grieving, depression and fear, but I made a conscious effort not to let myself fall apart and wallow in negativity. It wasn't always easy. There were days I just wanted to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head. But I didn't. I made myself get up and move forward. I've tried to find the positive in each experience (sometimes it took a LOT of digging to find). I've tried to find ways that I can personally work to be a better person through it. I've tried to make sure that I stop and count my blessings when I find myself on that slippery slope of self-pity. It's amazing how much I found my burdens lifted from my shoulders by making the choices to be positive.

When I read the quote below on a blog today, it so closely related to what I feel that it prompted me to break my blogging silence to share it with you.

Enthusiastic Attitude

Stop fighting against what you have to do.

Turn it into what you want to do.
For any given task, you can be miserable and plodding or you can be enthusiastic and highly effective.

It all depends on your attitude.
Instead of dreading and avoiding something that you must get done, choose to look forward to it. Then jump in, make it happen, and get it finished once and for all.
It's really very easy to make a change in your attitude.

You can do it without lifting a finger.
With a positive, enthusiastic attitude toward whatever task you must complete, the work will go more quickly and smoothly.

And, you'll feel a whole lot better while doing it.
Decide that you truly want to get it done, and soon you'll be reaping the rewards of your effective effort.

-- Ralph Marston

Inspiring Words

"[God] knows that you want to be important, but He needs to know that he can trust you in little things. Do not let Him down." - Caroline Petherbridge

Someone posted this on their blog and it really struck me today. There are so many big things in my life that I would like to accomplish, but how am I doing on the little tasks I already have in front of me? Can I honestly ask for more when I am not fully caring for what I have now?

This year I hope that I can improve in the small and simple things, so that perhaps the great things might, indeed, be brought to pass.

So Very Thankful

I know I'm a bit behind Thanksgiving, but I just wanted to take this chance to say how much I have to be thankful for this year.  In January, I had no idea all of the things that lay in store for our family. There have been times of great sorrow and heartache, but there have also been so many joys and blessings, too.

I am most grateful for my dear family. I am able to weather the roughest storms because I know that they are always there for me. I couldn't make it without their support. I also have many close friends that have become family over the years. Their love and care keep me refreshed and renewed.  I am so thankful to have these incredible people  in my life.

I am thankful to be able to have a house of my own for the first time. It is so comforting to know that we have a place that we can cultivate into our own. We see so much potential and the ability to work and dream together with my husband has brought us closer to one another. Looking at the house, I see not only a building but a future and possibilities.

I cannot leave out how grateful I am to my Father in Heaven. I am grateful for the many material and spiritual gifts I have received this year. I feel His very real presence in my life and see that he is guiding my in ways I never would have foreseen. As I build my faith in Him, my heart is opened and I feel so much love and, in turn, have so much more love for those around me.  As we enter the Christmas season, I hope I can show my gratitude by remembering what we are celebrating through loving and serving others.

Sunny Thoughts for a Happy Heart

I got some bitter news of possible rough seas ahead at work this morning. Then a fire forced us to evacuate the building. However, I've decided that I don't have enough emotional energy to dwell on the negative right now. I've been making a concerted effort to try to do and be a bit better every day and it has done unbelievable things to my personal, inner feelings of peace and worth. It's worth too much to me to be frittered away by succumbing to thoughts of possible doom and gloom.

Instead, I am making an effort to be grateful for the blessings I have today and to be positive about where I am.  Instead of being irritated by the disruption of the fire, I am relishing the chance to enjoy a lovely bit of the afternoon outside. Instead of worrying about my job, I am choosing to celebrate even the small achievements of each day. Instead of dwelling on gloomy thoughts, I'm sharing happy ones.

So, without further ado, here is a little bit of sweetness for today. It made me happy and I thought I'd share with you.

First of all, these words:

"We are in a period of stress across the world. There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you. Do not let the prophets of gloom endanger your possibilities."
-Gordon B. Hinkley

And this happy music:

House and Home

This time in my life is such a strange one, as the seasons are changing, my children are growing, my job is evolving and my home is shifting. Sometimes it feels like a stop motion film, where there are jumps and subtle gaps and things seem to move simultaneously slower and faster than you would think that they ought.

At the moment, our new house is progressing toward livability and inching toward being a home. It’s funny that we have been distinguishing between our two current places as “The House” and “Home.” But as she becomes more our own, those lines of “house” and “home” are becoming blurred. The kids have made fast friends with the neighbors and often beg to go over to the house. Aiden begged for us all to just stay over in sleeping bags. The other night, at the end of a very long day, I walked into the kitchen and went to set a handful of things on a table I had seen there in my mind so many times but had not yet been moved in.

As I wander through the rooms of our new place and drift in the neglected garden, I find myself dreaming about the things I want to do and wondering what it will really feel like when “The House” finally becomes our one and only “Home.” What will the dynamic be like? How will it feel on cozy winter nights and warm summer mornings? What will it be like when it is filled with friends and family we love? What little quirks will I grow to love and which ones will drive me nuts? Will the love I feel for the new house ever be enough to make it OK to leave the other house behind?

As thrilled as I am to finally own a house of my own, I’ve had to force myself not to think too much about leaving our beloved Eaglefield behind. It’s too painful and I’m not ready to face it yet. This lovely little nest on the brow of the hill has been so good to us for the past 6 years. I love the space and light it gives. I love the views of the ocean and trees and canyons. I love watching the birds fly eastward up the canyon or circling in the drafts over the house. I love living with good friends who became dear ones. I loved being able to take in those who needed a safe place to stay when things got a bit rough. I love that this is where I brought my daughter home when she was born and that it is the only home my children remember. I love standing until the wee hours of the morning in the kitchen chatting about things both trivial and life changing. I love seeing the foxes and the deer and the skunks come pay their calls. I love leaning on the railing of the deck and watching the sun set behind the hills and the sea. I love so very much about this place that, despite its down sides, it will be very hard to say goodbye. Will the next people who live here be able to feel the many years of love in these walls?

I have the comfort of knowing that this is the right decision at the right time. I also have the chance to say a lingering goodbye and an extended hello. Eaglefield is saying goodbye in her own way. Lights bulbs are burning out here and there. The water heater went out a couple of days ago. The nest over our door that sheltered several generations of avian families and watch over our human one was found lying on the door mat. At the same time, our new house is blossoming under our attentions. She glows with fresh paint and new floors through most of the rooms. Shower curtains were hung and baths were happily taken by the kids. Recently pruned roses have rewarded me with new blooms. Hummingbirds zoom close by and honey bees buzz happily in the bushes. And so, for a brief time, it seems that I’ll get to savor the joy of two homes before stepping fully into a new season of life.

Gorgeous Grosgrain Gown Giveaway

I was poking around Blogland and found this breathtakingly generous giveaway over at Grosgrain. Kathleen Dougherty makes amazing costumes and children's clothes that she gives away on her blog. Having made a number of costumes in my time, I can't imagine how she can bear to part with some of her creations

She has made an amazing child's Marie Antoinette inspired gown and is giving it away. It is made from Isabelle's favorite colors - pink & blue. I keep picturing what she would look like and the stunning photoshoots we could have with a gown like that. All Kathleen asks is that people who want to enter to win it post a link on their blog. I never win anything, but this confection is too lovely to pass the chance to enter. So here's the link: Marie-Therese Gown Giveaway

Go take a look at the gown and take the time to browse through the lovely things she makes. It's worth it.

No Place Like Home

Well, it's official. The new start I mentioned in a previous post finally happened and Tim and I are now new home owners!!! In 33 days, we went from being given two months' notice on the house we had been renting to owning a home. It all happened so fast, that it seems surreal.

I am very happy with our new home. She needs a little elbow grease and "sweat equity" to make her truly blossom, but I think our family will be very happy. She comes with 1/2 an acre of level, cleared land (which isn't easy to come by in this area) in a charming rural neighborhood. There are several fruit trees and an abundance of rose bushes, plus lots of other garden touches the just need some pruning and attention.

We got the keys on Friday afternoon and worked with my in-laws until after midnight to get walls washed and ready to paint. It was long, arduous work that was made worse by the fact that previous owners had dogs that used every door jamb corner in the house to repeatedly mark their territory. It was on the walls and soaked into the carpets, making the house smell terrible. We found out from neighbors that stopped by to introduce themselves that the last owners kept pygmy goats, in addition to breeding beagles. Apparently, they sometimes left the doors open and the goat would come in the house. Now, I'm not saying that goats and dogs can't be clean and wonderful pets, but judging from the smell of the house, a clean and sanitary living environment wasn't a high priority. Yuck!Fortunately the hours we spent cleaning walls paid off and things smell better.

On Saturday, Barrett, Tasha and Tasha's mother came over to help. We spackled, sanded and taped all day long, just to get to the point where we could prime the walls. The 2 teen-aged boys used about 1,001 staples and tacks in their walls. frequently opting for a staple gun as their weapon of choice. Someone also was content with painting over large dollops of spackle without sanding it down, or leaving massive, gloppy drips of paint to dry on the walls. We also taped off miles of trim and ceilings. At times, I thought the prep work would never end. Fortunately, we were able to get it all ready and my father-in-law sprayed the whole house with clean, white primer. The difference was remarkable and things smelled even better. 

Eventually, we were able to break out the long awaited paint. It was so gratifying to see it going on the walls. Tim and I spent hours going over our choices and thought we picked good colors, but there are always those moments where you hold your breath and aren't sure. Once the colors were on the walls, and had a chance to dry a bit, we were delighted. The front room is a warm, rich, sandy brown. We painted the ceiling in that room a warm, off-white. Tim wasn't sure about it at first, but once the wall color went on, the room was transformed. It's so welcoming and we can't wait to see it all finished. The hall and master bedroom are a fantastic color that is grey, green and taupe all at the same time. It blends well with the front room and I'm so proud that we were able to pick colors that worked so well together. We're not going to paint the kitchen or bathrooms right now. We decided to tackle other rooms that needed it more, first. We still have 2 rooms left to paint and then we can start ripping out the nasty 1970's era brown textured carpet. I think once that's out, we'll be rid of any lingering doggy/goat smells.

We let the kids pick the colors for their own rooms. Isabelle picked the loveliest pale chiffon pink and was so happy that it matches her sheets. She insists that she want blue accents, too, so we'll have to see how we can work that in for her. She was disappointed that we weren't able to get hers painted this weekend, but we had some problems with the poor job of the existing paint and needed to do some extra work. Aiden was all about intense color. He always went for the darkest and most vibrant color on any swatch, so we tried to steer him a bit lighter, so that the room was not overwhelmed. As it is, he ended up picking a bright blue that really pops. It's probably brighter that Tim and I would have gone for, but Aiden really liked it. He was happy that his room was the first to get painted and kept checking in to see how it was going.

 We've got a long road ahead of us, but it's exciting to be able to do this work on a house of our own. We have lots of dreams and projects to make this slightly run down house into a lovely home. With lots of elbow grease and a ton of help from friends and family, I think we're going to be able to make a lot of those dreams come true.

New Starts

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger lately. There has been A LOT happening in our happy household and I've been a bit distracted. I can tell you about one big start, but I'm waiting to blog about an even bigger start until things are more official. I don't want to jinx things too early in the game.

So, on to the start that I can write about right now. After much anxious waiting on her part, Isabelle started Kindergarten and Aiden started 4th grade. I'm not sure what stuns me more, the fact that Isabelle is starting school for the first time, or the fact that Aiden is starting school for the 5th time. How did that happen so fast?!

 We were fortunate enough to get Isabelle in to the same excellent charter school that Aiden attends and we couldn't be happier.  I love having them in the same school. It makes our lives and logistics so much easier! And Aiden is a wonderful older brother, who seeks her out at recess, helps her when she's hurt or confused, and includes her in his games with his friends. He is an amazing example of what a big brother should be, without ever having us have to force him. The natural way he extends his friendship and care with such grace is a reminder to me to be a better friend to my own family members.

Isabelle wasn't at all nervous about her first day of school. She was strong, confident and excited. She's been going to the school every day to pick up Aiden and knew lots of kids and teachers, so it wasn't quite as intimidating as it would be if things were unfamiliar. She walked like she owned the place in her brand new uniform and pink polka-dot backpack. She insisted on wearing the backpack on her back instead of rolling it on its wheels, even though it's almost half her size. You'd think she owned the school! And, a few weeks into it, I'm half-convinced that she really does. :)

 This year , my heart was torn in two, though. Both of my babies were in school and I couldn't be in both places at once. I always take pictures of the kids with their teachers on the first day and was crushed that I would have to choose. Aiden was a great sport, however, and was graciously willing to have his dad take him to class this year. Still, I felt enormous guilt about not being there for him. Fortunately the kids' classrooms are directly across from one another, so I got to spend times with both kids until the last minute.

We were lucky enough to run into his teacher on the way in and she was gracious enough to pose for pictures with Aiden before we had to split up. She was so warm, and has an interesting background and a great attitude. I think Aiden is going to love her. The combination of her style and Aiden's growing maturity have already made the beginning of this school year the smoothest one ever. I'm so proud of him and and can't express how good I feel seeing him happy.

 I  loved the sweet, happy nervous energy that surrounded the parents and kids in the Kindergarten class. There's something inexpressibly precious about that joy of new beginnings and the touch of wistfulness knowing that a phase of our children's lives was ending forever. We knew Isabelle's teacher since Aiden was in pre-school and were thrilled that Isabelle got to be in her class. She has such a sweet, calm aura about her that is perfect for soothing the many anxious people (young and old) that assembled in the room. Isabelle was delighted to see the frogs & fish in the tank and to find her seat. She had big hugs and smiles for the teacher, and starting chatting right away with her more timid table-mates.

When it was time for the parents to leave, I was so proud of her for her composure. There weren't any tears or theatrics, just a simple, generous hug and kiss. I said my goodbyes and was out of the door before the weight of the moment hit me. My baby started Kindergarten and the door of her infancy had finally closed. I had taken everything in stride until then. As I looked over my shoulder into the classroom, where I could see her coloring at her table and joining her peers in a circle around her teacher, my eyes welled up and I choked back a sob. My sweet little girl is growing up. Although I've been through this before with Aiden and there isn't a large impact in how things function in my daily life, I couldn't help but feel the pang all mothers feel as their children bravely take one more step away from them and venture just a  bit farther out onto their own.

A Most Rewarding Career Choice

Yesterday, Isabelle came in and started chatting with me about this & that. Mostly about bugs and animals and toys and other important things. It was a conversation like most others, but there was one part I didn't want to forget:

    Belle - "Mama, do you know what I want to be when I grow up?"

    Me - "Last time you told me you wanted to be a teacher."

    Belle - "No. I want to be a princess."

    Me - "Being a princess would be pretty amazing."

    Belle - "No, wait! I don't want to be a princess anymore. I want to be a mom."

    Me - "You could be a princess and a mom."

    Belle - "Actually I'd rather be a mom. Just like you."

How is a person not supposed to swoon in the face of such sweetness? It's darned near impossible!

She followed that up this morning in the car with this:

    Belle - (sigh) "Mom, I wish I could be you."

    Me - "Why honey?"

    Belle - "I wish I could sing like you do. So softly and sweetly."

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I got a bit choked up. So many times I see myself as a collection of mistakes and things I can't do, my flaws magnified all out of proportion. I never stopped to think about how my children see me. I live every day with all the ways that I think that I have failed them. They humble me with their sincere and honest love and the way they see so many ways that I succeed.

Someday, I hope they both will get the chance to see that being a parent is the best thing they could ever choose to be. The hours are long and at times it can be discouraging, but it's worth it. I know I wouldn't trade it for being a princess, either. :)

Unpleasant Surprise

We just got some unpleasant news today. It turns out that our landlord put our house on the market without telling us. The only way we found out was because Tim stayed home sick and a bunch of real estate agents were milling around at our driveway. They left when he went out, and a little bit of research uncovered that our house has been listed for sale.

We had been hoping to look into buying a house at the beginning of next year, once we knew if I had made it through the layoffs for the year, but this kind of forces our hand.

Ugh. I was not ready for this. :(