House and Home

This time in my life is such a strange one, as the seasons are changing, my children are growing, my job is evolving and my home is shifting. Sometimes it feels like a stop motion film, where there are jumps and subtle gaps and things seem to move simultaneously slower and faster than you would think that they ought.

At the moment, our new house is progressing toward livability and inching toward being a home. It’s funny that we have been distinguishing between our two current places as “The House” and “Home.” But as she becomes more our own, those lines of “house” and “home” are becoming blurred. The kids have made fast friends with the neighbors and often beg to go over to the house. Aiden begged for us all to just stay over in sleeping bags. The other night, at the end of a very long day, I walked into the kitchen and went to set a handful of things on a table I had seen there in my mind so many times but had not yet been moved in.

As I wander through the rooms of our new place and drift in the neglected garden, I find myself dreaming about the things I want to do and wondering what it will really feel like when “The House” finally becomes our one and only “Home.” What will the dynamic be like? How will it feel on cozy winter nights and warm summer mornings? What will it be like when it is filled with friends and family we love? What little quirks will I grow to love and which ones will drive me nuts? Will the love I feel for the new house ever be enough to make it OK to leave the other house behind?

As thrilled as I am to finally own a house of my own, I’ve had to force myself not to think too much about leaving our beloved Eaglefield behind. It’s too painful and I’m not ready to face it yet. This lovely little nest on the brow of the hill has been so good to us for the past 6 years. I love the space and light it gives. I love the views of the ocean and trees and canyons. I love watching the birds fly eastward up the canyon or circling in the drafts over the house. I love living with good friends who became dear ones. I loved being able to take in those who needed a safe place to stay when things got a bit rough. I love that this is where I brought my daughter home when she was born and that it is the only home my children remember. I love standing until the wee hours of the morning in the kitchen chatting about things both trivial and life changing. I love seeing the foxes and the deer and the skunks come pay their calls. I love leaning on the railing of the deck and watching the sun set behind the hills and the sea. I love so very much about this place that, despite its down sides, it will be very hard to say goodbye. Will the next people who live here be able to feel the many years of love in these walls?

I have the comfort of knowing that this is the right decision at the right time. I also have the chance to say a lingering goodbye and an extended hello. Eaglefield is saying goodbye in her own way. Lights bulbs are burning out here and there. The water heater went out a couple of days ago. The nest over our door that sheltered several generations of avian families and watch over our human one was found lying on the door mat. At the same time, our new house is blossoming under our attentions. She glows with fresh paint and new floors through most of the rooms. Shower curtains were hung and baths were happily taken by the kids. Recently pruned roses have rewarded me with new blooms. Hummingbirds zoom close by and honey bees buzz happily in the bushes. And so, for a brief time, it seems that I’ll get to savor the joy of two homes before stepping fully into a new season of life.

Comments

["Pretty" old Nana]

I share your descriptions are of two loves -one old, cozy and comfortable and the other of new passion and excitement. I, too, will miss the old home that has always been welcoming and serene (the outside if not always the inside) although I love the happy chaos that often fills the heart of that home. I will miss the misty morning sunrises and the exquisite sunsets over the ocean, snuggling in front of the fireplace with a grandchild in my arms and watching deer out the kitchen window. It will be hard to imagine not "sneaking" up the long hill and then suddenly appearing around the last curve to be greeted by little people yelling, "They're here! They're here!" I will miss the quiet solitude that Eaglefield afforded all who came to her. As I let go of the happy times there, I will also look forward to a new home filled with the same welcoming spirit and happy chaos because I know that the real reason we have loved the old home - the people who live and love there - will be the same ones who will do the same for the new house. I look forward to seeing the beautiful roses that are already being nurtured, taste the fruit fresh from the trees and watch the garden grow. I will enjoy the laughter of children playing and revel in the handiwork of two loving adults as they make this house their own. Change is often hard even though it is necessary and for the better. I know I will sometimes go back in my mind to the sweet memories we have shared at Eaglefield and be thankful for them. And then, I will sit quietly and hold tight to the minute details of memories being created in a home that is all yours. Happy homemaking and welcome to the American dream - a mortgage instead of a rental agreement.
Love, Mom aka Nana
PS (My mind can only imagine so much so far away. Would love to see the reality in pictures soon.) Just kidding. Not! lol

[Eddie Louise]

Oh honey... you write so beautifully of the important emotional things. I am tearing up at work. I love you and can't wait to be welcomed into your new home. Because it is yours it will be beautiful!

[Grama Kathy]

Yes, we have had such times at Eaglefield. Birthdays, Blessings, Baptisms, Wedding Preps, Family gatherings....but.....we have already had bonding through sweat and tears at the new home....Belle is in her element. I am sure Aiden will find a space of his own for his private time. He will become a teenager there...oh, how time passes. You will learn when they are 30 what really went on there!
Hang in there.....Make new friends and keep the old....one is silver and the other gold. Memories hold to this also. Love Mom R

[Grama Kathy]

Yes, we had new babies, birthdays, blessings, baptisms, wedding preps, and bonding friendships at Eaglefield. But we have already bonded through hard work and pride at the new home. Belle is in her element and I am sure that Aiden will find his own special spot....He will be a teenage there and when you are 30 you will hear of his many adventures. make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. This goes for memories also.
You are great kids and don't ever forget it....Love you, Mom R

[Stacia]

Having recently gone through a move of my own, I really appreciate your poetic reflections. I admit my own share of tears reflecting upon the important events that happened during our time at our old home. I'm so glad to hear that your new house is opening up for you!

[Chip Clark]

good-byes, even to bits of property are odd emotional times. It seems as if there is a bit of what we are that isn't going on the journey with us, part of what makes us who we are is being left behind. And, to some sense this is true. We are not the people who started the journey way back when, not the people who arrived at this location who did not have any concept of the memories that would be created. So, in many respects we were nieve but are no longer, nieve to what we would come to learn and how we would grow - and this agony is (in part) an appreciation for what we learned and who we have become.

It is unfortunate, as many events we have shared together, that we (Eddie and I) are not there to watch you take one more step in your life, a new home, a new direction. For us, not being there is almost more painful, because we are not only agonizing over the memories of what has gone before, but in knowing we are not realy part of what is to come.

So, dear friend, know our thoughts are with you and your family. We treasure our friendship with you a great deal. We hope this new journey is even better and more memorable than all those before... and, someday, we will have the chance to share these new memories you're building with you in person.