I hate that every post on this blog starts with an apology for not posting. *sigh* I guess the only thing to do about that is to start posting more regularly, right?
I'm my own worst enemy and I know it. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't want to just blather about nothing. I have this driving need to have what I say be filled with resonance and meaning. I cannot be content without a purpose, a point, a certain amount of perfection to each post. As a consequence, I go rounds and round in my head and never manage to begin. I'm so caught up with the things I think I should be or a desire to be something more than I currently am and so my blog suffers for it.
I'd love to have a fun and helpful craft blog, full of nifty projects and tutorials but I just don't end up making enough stuff to make that happen. I'd love to have a lush home decor blog filled will beautiful photos of my home, but I'm not anywhere near where I'd like things to be and juggling my vision, my husband's opinions, my struggle with clutter and a miniscule budget don't help. I'd love to have a fashion blog with lots of gorgeous clothes, but due to my fluffy figure and my meager pocketbook situation, I tend to wear the same things over and over. I'd love to have a faith blog with lots of inspiring words and praise, but my skin isn't thick enough to handle opening my tender faith up to the world for debate - maybe someday, but for the moment it needs more nurturing than proclaiming. I'd love to have a mommy blog where I post about staying home and relishing every moment of motherhood, but the reality is that I have to work to support our family and it leaves me cranky and exhausted, with precious little time to enjoy my sweet kids. I'd love to have a witty blog where I post insightful commentary on politics or society or literature or the human condition, but the fact is that my thoughts are constantly evolving and I am much less wise or educated than many of the people out there who are already doing that same thing. The list could go on and on with things I would love this blog to be, but I never manage to be that it requires.The fact of the matter is that I struggle to define my own identity, and as a result, I struggle to find the focus of what I write. I am a woman comprised of many facets and interests. I neither excel nor fail at many of them. I plug along, doing the best I can with the time and energy I have. I get so discouraged sometimes that I hold back. I want to be good, consistently at all the things I do. Often times the things I am good at aren't the kinds of things you fill a blog with. I need to remind myself that the just because the things I do aren't always show stopping, it doesn't mean they are without value. I need to remind myself that "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
I may not have a gorgeous decorating blog, but my home is comfortable and clean. My husband and I have turned a filthy, neglected foreclosure into a humble place filled with love where family and friends are always welcome. Love is the best adornment we could ever have in our home.
I may not have a witty commentary blog, but I am trying to fill my mind with things of value, to be open and respectful of the opinions of others and to speak with my thoughts with kindness and grace.
I may not have a tender mommy blog, but not a day goes by that my children are not repeatedly hugged and kissed and told how much I love them. I'm learning to put down the book, turn off the radio, step away from the computer and to enjoy their chatter and their energy and the unique beauty of each child.
I may not have a faith blog, but continually I try to seek out spiritual strength & wisdom and to let my actions be the best example of the goodness I believe in, to let my love inspire others to be more loving, too.
I may not be perfect. I may not be that great. I may pass through my life never exceeding mediocrity. I stumble. I fall. I frequently succumb to moments of hypocrisy. But each day I am making the effort of consciously inching myself towards something better. If I can honestly say that of myself, then it really doesn't matter if the content of my blog is sparse and scattered. It doesn't matter that my life is as yet undefined. If I can let go of the need to be perfect, then I am free to more fully embrace the wonderful things I already have within my grasp. And maybe by letting go, I will be able to start writing here again and not let the lie of perfection get the best of me.